"Hi, my name is Jef, and I'm stuck in the 1980s."

Now, when I say "stuck" I mean just that. I don't just like the '80s. I don't just love the '80s. I am absolutely obsessed and infatuated with the '80s. But let me be clear: I don't love '80s pop culture, I love Glam [---the original DG Site---]. Painful as it is to say, I love Glam and always have. I know that it's hard to believe but it's true. Now, please don't suggest my turning on the radio or buying a Nirvana CD. I've tried the radio, I've even tried Nirvana but it didn't do anything for me. This is just who I am: 100 percent Glam.

Now that my alternative lifestyle is out in the open, I would like you to listen to me. The reason for my coming out is to try to educate the public. My way of life has been laughed at, looked down upon, and ignored for far too long. The time has come for the truth.

For those who don't know, "Glam" is short for "Glamour Rock." Glam (also known as hair metal or '80s metal) exploded onto the scene in the early-mid '80s and soon reached a frenzied level of popularity. Bands like Poison, Warrant, Tesla, Twisted Sister, Def Leppard, Guns 'N' Roses, and Quiet Riot revolutionized pop and metal with their long hair, tight jeans and leather, high pitched vocals, effeminate males, and sometimes even make-up. (Look at bands like Megadeth and Metallica. The hair and tight jeans and leather are still big in the metal world.)

Now that we all know what Glam is, I'd like to take you step by step through the list of questions that everyone asks when they find out.

Q: Why would anyone want to pursue a deviant life-style that has been condemned by powerful political figures like Tipper Gore and most members of Congress?
A: I don't see it as deviant. It's natural for me to be this way.

Q: When did you first realize you liked Glam?
A: When did you first realize you didn't? I've always liked Glam.

Q: Now, you have to tell me exactly why it is you think you like Glam.
A: Why do I like Glam? I just do.

Q: But why?
A: (By this point, I always decide that I'll have to make up some reasons just so everyone will be satisfied.) The singers can really sing, the drummers can really drum, and the guitarists, oh God!, can they ever play!

People like Slash (Guns 'N' Roses) and C.C. (Poison) can play with such feeling and passion. Forget Jimi, give me Randy Rhodes! The best part about them is they know when their solos are. Today it seems that the bands try to play so loud all the time just for the sake of covering up the lack of meaning in the vocals. Not so in Glam. In Glam the instruments play loud but not too harshly; you can still hear the words.

And what words they are! Glam is pure and the emotions are real. True love and true hate live in almost every song. Even the songs about pure animal desires and actions (of which there are many) are filled with such intensity. (Sure, there are some stupid songs that aren't really about anything and just tell a silly story, but they are still fun songs).

Every album covers such a wider range of feelings that they fit any situation. Love songs like "Blind Faith" and "Long Song" tell of the truest love you can imagine. Broken heart power ballads like "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" make you feel so much pain you cry. Powerhouses like "Bang Your Head" just make you want to scream and shout with pure primitive energy.

You can't find that today. "Love Fool"? It's just a song about a sad, weak women. "Smells Like Teen Spirit"? I have no clue what that's about.

And what about Nirvana? At least when Glam stars die they go with style. Randy Rhodes died in a plane crash; he didn't use a bullet to cure fame.

Q: But doesn't it bother you that everyone treats your way of life the way they do?
A: Hell yeah! It bugs me to no end. Almost everyone was the way I am at one point.

Glam was once a large part of the national culture. Now everyone has decided that they want depressing, unredeeming, barely understandable songs. Seattle has fewer sunny days then anywhere else in the country. Do we really want a cultural revolution that started in such a gray depressing place?

Q: But aren't you afraid of corrupting the youth with your music?
A: Aren't you afraid of corrupting the youth with your music? Alternative has led the masses to pierce anything and everything. Glam just caused people to stop cutting their hair and rip up a few pairs of jeans, nothing permanent.

I can understand the fears though. When I was growing up my older brother lived the life I live now. I admit that I was afraid to go into his room sometimes. The posters of "girlie-men" and women barely clad in ripped denim and leather were scary, especially for a young child. The eyes of Def Leppard seemed to follow me around the room, it was not a good feeling, but looking back now I see how silly I was being.

So that's Glam. People laugh and point at the clothes and think the men look too much like women. They crack jokes and change the channel to MTV's "Top 100 Videos of the '80s Count Down." Just remember. Some of us still love Glam and we look just like you (most of us do, anyway). So next time you start to laugh or snicker at the Slaughter CD you happened across in the record store, stop and think, there may be a Glam lover standing behind you waiting to buy that CD. We have feelings too, if you cut us, we bleed; if you wrong us, we get pissed; if you laugh at us, we cry. If you are too heartless to consider our feelings, at least remember the one thing that we can all thank Glam for: shredded jeans. Remember the tight jogging shorts of the early '80s, the ones with the little triangular notches on each leg? Can you honestly tell me that those circulation-killing shorts are better than a pair of nicely air-conditioned jeans?